When I came home from college at the beginning of the summer, I started journaling separately from this blog in an old journal for only me, myself, and I to read. There were things I wanted to say, memories I wanted to keep, that I didn’t feel completely comfortable sharing here. I absolutely love blogging, but sometimes I worry about exactly how much I share with the entire world. I worry more about how what I share reflects on me. But don’t we all?
But this week, as I was busy scribbling down my thoughts, I realized that sharing some of what I journal, some of my honest, raw thoughts, may actually help others…maybe you. And it could even, quite possibly, help me. So stick with me, my friends, as I share some of Hannah: Unedited with you.
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(copied exactly from my journal entry dated July 6, 2011)
On Sunday’s PostSecret, there was a card that keeps popping back into my mind. I can’t remember the picture, but the words: “I wish my depression could understand how great my life really is so it would leave me alone.”
I’m not depressed—far from that dark time so many months ago. But I just wish I could totally appreciate the life—my family, friends, talents, everything!-that I have been blessed with. Too often I dwell on the past and other unimportant things and I need to stop and learn exactly what it takes to be me with all the joys that surround me each day. I need to start living totally for myself and not for the benefit and purpose of others.
I just need to figure out how.
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And there is a little glimpse into my mind (maybe we’ll try this again). I swear, it is a scary place. I overanalyze, over-think, and over-process everything that happens to me. Everything. And I wish I could stop.
Just like I wish I could stop dwelling on the past and begin living in the present. I know with every ounce of my being that I have a great and wonderful life—I just need to start living it.
I just wish I knew where to start.
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amen. i feel similarly - like you're stuck someplace, and can't move on. at least that's how it is for me, and i just want life to feel like it's moving forward, instead of just knowing it is.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, you got it **SPOT** on! I know that I'm alive, I just want to feel like I am alive. When you figure out how to get past the lovely impasse in the road, please let me know!
ReplyDeleteI think as you open up and share more deeper things, even just deeper to you, you'll find that many more people are standing on that side completely understanding where you're coming from...because they're there, too.
ReplyDeleteahh! if i figure it out, i will certainly let you know!
ReplyDeleteTotally new here. Just dropping in from Simply BC. I know I struggle with the same thing. Trying to be happy in the moments that I'm presently living. Not living in the past can be really hard.
ReplyDeleteWelcome! And thanks so much for dropping by!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that I decided to post this. It has been so comforting to know that I am not the only person who struggles with living in the moment instead of in the past!
I definitely think that you're on to something, my friend!
ReplyDelete