When I came home from college at the beginning of the summer, I started journaling separately from this blog in an old journal for only me, myself, and I to read. There were things I wanted to say, memories I wanted to keep, that I didn’t feel completely comfortable sharing here. I absolutely love blogging, but sometimes I worry about exactly how much I share with the entire world. I worry more about how what I share reflects on me. But don’t we all?
But this week, as I was busy scribbling down my thoughts, I realized that sharing some of what I journal, some of my honest, raw thoughts, may actually help others…maybe you. And it could even, quite possibly, help me. So stick with me, my friends, as I share some of Hannah: Unedited with you.
(copied exactly from my journal entry dated July 6, 2011)
On Sunday’s PostSecret, there was a card that keeps popping back into my mind. I can’t remember the picture, but the words: “I wish my depression could understand how great my life really is so it would leave me alone.”
I’m not depressed—far from that dark time so many months ago. But I just wish I could totally appreciate the life—my family, friends, talents, everything!-that I have been blessed with. Too often I dwell on the past and other unimportant things and I need to stop and learn exactly what it takes to be me with all the joys that surround me each day. I need to start living totally for myself and not for the benefit and purpose of others.
I just need to figure out how.
And there is a little glimpse into my mind (maybe we’ll try this again). I swear, it is a scary place. I overanalyze, over-think, and over-process everything that happens to me. Everything. And I wish I could stop.
Just like I wish I could stop dwelling on the past and begin living in the present. I know with every ounce of my being that I have a great and wonderful life—I just need to start living it.
I just wish I knew where to start.