Yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day that days, weeks and months later you are still able to recall, quite vividly, from the aroma in the cafe to the clothes you were wearing and all the other minute details in between.
For the first time in nearly three years, I (was supposed to see) saw the boy who can claim the first scar on my heart (whether he intended to leave it there or not). Saw probably isn’t the best word, though; we have seen each other many times in the in-between.
How about talked to face-to-face? Actually sat down with, talked to and hung out with? Yeap, that works. That’s what we did. Or what we were going to do.
Beforehand I had no idea what to feel. I was definitely apprehensive and nervous; for the first time I didn’t want to cry when I thought about him and we could actually talk (via wonderful social media) in a cordial and friendly way. Why did we need to potentially ruin that by talking about the past? That was my line of thinking, anyway. I know—I read too much into things.
I, tried, as the time ticked by to his estimated arrival time, to remain poised and collected as I couldn’t help the butterflies that flittered around inside me. But the time kept ticking. Because our first, post-whatever, sit down/hang out never came to fruition. His doing, not mine.
And at first, I was okay with that. No more stressing, no more butterflies, no more nothing.
But then, as I sat and thought about it, I realized that I wasn’t okay with it. It went back to all I had been feeling beforehand; there’s obviously a reason that we haven’t seen each other, right? If it was meant to be, it would happen.
And while I was very relieved to have avoided the potential awkwardness, I was also the teensiest (maybe a little more then teensiest) bit upset that it wasn’t going to happen. Don’t ask me why; I can’t put words (but Landon Pigg can) to how it makes me feel. All I know is that it isn’t fair that he still has this hold over me. It absolutely, positively sucks.
But it’s okay. I will be okay.
Even though it was seemingly a non-event, I can guarantee that it will remain very much an event in my mind for weeks to come. Just one of those details that makes up one of those days.
I’m so fortunate to have wonderful friends (both in real life and bloggie/Twitter friends) who shared their evening with me—dinner and Dunkin’ Donuts for dessert. It was because of their company, their words of encouragement, and the laughs we shared that I began to feel more myself again. It helped cement my belief that everything is going to be okay. I am going to okay. I am okay.
It was simply just one of those days.